19 days & self preservation

19 days will take forever, and they will go by so fast - I will be in Spain!

There are times, like at work today while sorting mail, that I cannot wait - if it didn't cost me any more money, I'd hop on a plane tomorrow. This is something I have wanted to do for a VERY LONG TIME, and I know (and keep getting reminded) that if I don't do it now, I will never do it.

But in these last couple weeks, I've also begun to feel the inevitable return of the feelings that cloud transition.

Whenever I've approached a major life transition (graduating high school/graduating college/moving into an apartment), I always go through this period where I begin to cut myself off from the people I love, or at least start to get a little more edgy around them. It's weird - like a self preservation technique, I somehow think it'll hurt me (and them) less if I begin the cutoff process early.

I really hate it.

I think the thing that's making it a bit easier now, however, is that I know I'll be returning. I think this would be much more difficult (for me) if I knew I'd be gone indefinitely. Whenever I've been telling people "I'm going to Spain", I always follow quickly with "but I'll be back in June!". I try to convince myself that I say this so we don't have to go all "oh-my-gosh-you're-leaving-forever-and-I-have-no-idea-when-I'll-see-you-again", but really, it's for me. It's for me.

new things

I think I'm going to try to restart this thing.

some (unoriginal) thoughts before I procrastinate on getting to bed again. By reading.

1. I love hearing the French people outside my window at night. When I move, I'll miss that.

2. If, at a 4-way stop, you decide to switch lanes right before it's your turn to go, you forfeit your turn. For serious.

3. How soon after a friend's return from their honeymoon can you call them to get together? Carole says I can call them now.

4. This guy is doing his purpose. Thank God.

5. God is good. All the time.

living it!

I had a good discussion yesterday with a good friend about figuring out the right balance between "intellectual talk" that comes about simply as an ego booster ("look, I have an amazing vocabulary and can make my point sound better than yours simply through my use of words") versus "intellectual talk" that is actually meant to get us somewhere...you know, the kind that combines with action?

[We were discussing a section of "Blue Like Jazz", which I highly recommend, and it was the part that talked about the highly intellectual character of students at Reed College...my friend brought up the point that he often dislikes these types of students who seem to want to "talk big" but "act little or not at all". I started at this a bit because Miller's description of Reed College students in the book is much like some of the students I encountered in the Residential College at UM...very intellectually driven, smart, with a focus on solving the social problems of the world]

I still struggle a ridiculous amount with wanting to sound smart with the words I use[I blame about 80% of this on a mix of growing up in Ann Arbor and attending the University of Michigan]. I think, however, that I'm finally arriving at a point in my life where I get sick of hearing words come out of my mouth unless I can actually back them up with action or evidence that it's something I've thought about A TON. My friend challenged me on this point too.

I think, too, that in battling with this arrogance I built a mental wall that has sometimes made it hard for me to listen to the people around me unless they can "match" my vocabulary. Shudder...I certainly am blind and deaf, in need of eyes that see and ears that hear.