19 days & self preservation

19 days will take forever, and they will go by so fast - I will be in Spain!

There are times, like at work today while sorting mail, that I cannot wait - if it didn't cost me any more money, I'd hop on a plane tomorrow. This is something I have wanted to do for a VERY LONG TIME, and I know (and keep getting reminded) that if I don't do it now, I will never do it.

But in these last couple weeks, I've also begun to feel the inevitable return of the feelings that cloud transition.

Whenever I've approached a major life transition (graduating high school/graduating college/moving into an apartment), I always go through this period where I begin to cut myself off from the people I love, or at least start to get a little more edgy around them. It's weird - like a self preservation technique, I somehow think it'll hurt me (and them) less if I begin the cutoff process early.

I really hate it.

I think the thing that's making it a bit easier now, however, is that I know I'll be returning. I think this would be much more difficult (for me) if I knew I'd be gone indefinitely. Whenever I've been telling people "I'm going to Spain", I always follow quickly with "but I'll be back in June!". I try to convince myself that I say this so we don't have to go all "oh-my-gosh-you're-leaving-forever-and-I-have-no-idea-when-I'll-see-you-again", but really, it's for me. It's for me.